?

Second to wasting time deciding on a name for a post is wasting time deciding on how to begin it.

In January I wrote around two thousand words of unposted, probably unpostable, Though Sink. All of it was wasted effort. I got so mad that I had not been posting that on Tuesday, January twenty-first, I decided to dedicate all of Wednesday- the entire day- to catching up my blog. I was immediately sidetracked. I mean I was already sidetracked on TUESDAY. Then I was sidetracked most of Wednesday. I finally got to the Library late in the afternoon, and decided to get in the mood by making some sort of declaration of intention. Hence, I posted that irritatingly cryptic previous post.

I wish there had been something to wait for.

I wrote a few hundred words and gave up. It had been a long day, and I suck.

This is how sickeningly pathetic I am: For that day, I had one, single, solitary goal, which required only the most straighforward execution. And I could not achieve it.

I got depressed after that. I have been depressed for a while, as I may have said.

I will not give up on this thought sink, though. It may always be a mediocre, sporadically updated blog, full of whining and 'if-only's, but I am going to keep coming back to it untill either I am dead or I think it is finished.

I wish this feeling of utter futility was new to me. I wish it were not so familiar that it bordered on providing a bizarre sense of comfort and reassurance; reassurance that no, nothing has changed, everything is still the same, and always will be. There is nothing more terrifying than an inability to rely on one's self.

I am afraid of falling hopelessly behind. New things keep happening, faster than I am willing or able to deal with or write about them. But I am starting to realize that the scenes flashing past me quickly blur into one static, endless, unremarkable landscape. Even going to college has not fundamentally changed anything about my life.

I kept wanting to catch this blog up all at once with an 'uber-post'. That cannot be done. The uber-post does not exist. I am going to stop trying to do that now.

One cannot improve one's self in five-minute overhauls, and not much else, either.

A quote is in order:

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not a single act, but a habit."

-- Aristotle

I am not going to write anything else tonight. It is enough that I am here at the college library. Tomorrow morning, when the library opens at eight o' clock, I am going to come in here and sit down and write for one hour, and then post what I have got no matter how bad it is, and then get on with the day.

At least that is what I am planning on doing. 
Included @ 2/16/2004 07:51:00 PM; And so on, etcetera, etcetera.

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